Each month, a member of the board shares a reflection on the Soul Matters monthly theme. The theme for March is Interdependence. This month’s post is offered by Shelley Buss.
I’ve got a confession to make- I didn’t know what topic I would get when I said I’d write the article for April, and when it turned out to be “Interdependence” what went through my head was that my dad would say “well that’s drier than a popcorn fart.” However, I’m relieved to report that when I let my mind loose on the topic, I enjoyed the path it led me down. The first thing I needed to do was confirm the meaning of interdependence since I don’t think I’ve ever used it in a sentence in my life. Sounded like a good plan, but the internet kind of popped my bubble with the first result coming from a website called “The Practical Psych” saying “Interdependence is the state of being interconnected with others. More specifically, it is a situation in which two or more people depend on or affect each other such that the actions of one will influence the other. This means that our well-being is influenced by the actions of those around us.” It went on to say “There are three main characteristics of interdependence: social connectedness, mutuality, and reciprocity…” and at this point I thought I smelled popcorn and shut my brain off. Well I didn’t actually shut my brain off, just wasn’t in the mood, but to save you the trouble, social connectedness is just that: our social networks, while mutuality is collaboration on a shared interest, and reciprocity is give and take, as in I “take” the gift of infrastructure and in turn “give” the gift of taxes. So that’s the dry version, but I’d like you to consider a micro version of this need we all share.
Interdependence sits between independence (like McGyver) and dependence (exemplified by Sweet Polly Purebred who always needed her Underdog) but feels closer to the dependence side. McGyver didn’t need a person, just ½ a potato, a deck of playing cards, lint from his pocket and some ear wax. Problem solved/lives saved. Sweet Polly never met a predicament she didn’t throw herself into, then sang out for a mild little dog whose super power comes from a pill hidden in his ring. Someone call the DEA. We can’t deny that we all rely on people, but that need is not a weakness. Growing up I didn’t get it, and lived an “I can do it myself” lifestyle for decades. Relying on myself was a lot safer than relying on others who might reject my request for help, which my brain converted into a rejection of me. The independence I showed was rewarded by those I could have used help from, but I think it was rooted less in their being impressed, and more in relief at not being needed, but I never gave them the chance to confirm or dispel it. That’s pretty crappy! The component I missed was surrounding myself with my “core people”, but in turn I needed to make sure I had the same qualities of the people I wanted to surround myself with. Those who make time for you, and you for them. Those who can see your vulnerability and are willing to match it. Who’s a core person? The ones who will hold space, your hand, or your beer when you need to do hard (or easy) things because they know you’ll do the same for them. The main difference between dependence and interdependence can be explained like this; if a core person suddenly stops being a core person, how do you react? Freeze and not let go of it- dependence. Get sad, learn from it, and move on – interdependence.
Brene Brown spent the last 2 decades writing about shame, courage, and vulnerability. Shame has a ridiculous amount of power to limit and isolate us, which can be masked as independence. But you can take back the power you’ve given it by speaking it out loud to someone else; someone in your core group who will listen and not judge, because growth stems from challenges and failures. It’s the human condition. We’re all imperfect and no one is getting out of here alive. We say it often together: sorrow shared is sorrow divided, joy shared is joy multiplied. We don’t have to share, but there’s real power in community, power to those who choose a relationship with each other, and who create interdependence grounded with trust and space to be yourself. It takes real courage and vulnerability to face your flaws and trust another enough to share it, but when you do, and they let you know that you are still loved, it widens both of your understandings of humanity, and that will radiate out in how you walk in the world and affect others.
I have faith there are lots of people out there who are willing to take that journey with you. Who aren’t drama junkies or ones who focus on others’ issues to avoid facing their own. These are the kind of people who you will have a bond of interdependence with. You need each other in the sense of wanting to support each other because doing so propels each of you forward. But don’t forget that interdependence has its own spectrum from the very personal level, like when life blows up, to the totally impersonal level, like when you always hold the door for someone, or add a buck to your bill when checking out at the Petco register. I heard a simple but great example where a few classrooms were told to go out to the hallway. There were balloons everywhere. The teachers said to silently find the balloon with your name written on it. In 5 minutes they were told to stop, and only a few kids had their balloons. Back into the rooms they went, and the balloons remained outside. A teacher quickly stirred them up, and the kids were sent out again, but this time teachers said to pick up a balloon close to you and give it to the person whose name was on it. All the kids quickly had their balloons.
Helping others helps you, but it’s always a choice. It builds friendships, it builds community, it builds faith in humankind. This gift of kindness, in any shape or disguise reminds us that while we may be able to do it all by ourselves, there’s a greater reward when we enlist or allow others to give us a hand, and vice versa. I keep telling my kids that the more you give, the more you get in return, and so far, that saying has exceeded my expectations.
*No popcorn flatulated in the making of this article.
— Shelley Buss
UUCM Board of Trustees Vice President
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