Each month, a member of the board shares a reflection on the Soul Matters monthly theme. The theme for November is Repair. This month’s post is offered by Board President Shelley Buss.

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— Shelley Buss, UUCM Board of Trustees President

Each month, a member of the board shares a reflection on the Soul Matters monthly theme. The theme for October is Deep Listening. This month’s post is offered by Emily Rosengren.

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I love a backstory. One of my least favorite expressions is, “long story short.” It always leaves me feeling like we’re going to skip over all of the important, hairy details that provide insight into the storyteller and help me learn something new about them. To me, context is everything.

About twelve years into my career, I began to learn how to apply the tools of cognitive coaching to my work with colleagues. Cognitive coaching aims to support people as they do the difficult but important work of thinking about their thinking. A good cognitive coach listens deeply and poses judgment-free, open-ended questions that help another person get their head around a complex problem. A cognitive coach encourages someone to keep talking until they’ve clarified their thinking and become less “stuck.”

As I began to learn some of these skills, I had to extinguish two old listening habits. First–and this was really tough for me–I had to abandon the notion that I needed the context to understand a concern or provide support. A colleague didn’t need me to roll around in the detailed origins of an issue, they needed me to ask particular questions aimed at moving them forward. Investing in the backstory meant less time could be spent analyzing the current situation. Context was simply not important to this kind of work.

Second, I had to confront the normal human tendency toward autobiographical listening. Put simply, autobiographical listening is when we filter what we hear through our own experiences, judgements, and biases instead of setting ourselves aside and listening deeply to the speaker. We do this because we crave relationships and we cultivate the connection that can result from an “Oh my gosh, me, too!” moment. We convince ourselves that by offering our own experience with a similar dilemma that we’re demonstrating empathy. Empathy is a hallmark of respect, afterall, so don’t mind me as I tell you how I overcame a similar problem, like this one time when…(you get the idea). This kind of listening has an agenda, and in many instances, it’s not helpful.

It was during this period of intense learning when a friend shared the poem, When Someone Deeply Listens to You, by John Fox. Here’s an excerpt:

“When someone deeply listens to you

it is like holding out a dented cup

you’ve had since childhood

and watching it fill up with

cold, fresh water.

When it balances on top of the brim,

you are understood.

When it overflows and touches your skin,

you are loved.”

This poem resonated with me because it encapsulated the transformative power of deep listening. It reminded me that the act of listening alone—just listening—communicates love and understanding. It reinforced the idea that by setting aside my need for context and overcoming autobiographical listening, I could better connect with and support my colleagues.

Deep listening is an invitation into a relationship with another human being. It says, “So glad you’re here. Tell me as much or as little as you’d like, and I’ll be right beside you.” This approach has not only enhanced my coaching practice but also enriched my personal relationships, reinforcing the idea that listening deeply is one of the most profound ways we can show love and respect for one another.

— Emily Rosengren, UUCM Board of Trustees

Each month, a member of the board shares a reflection on the Soul Matters monthly theme. The theme for September  is Invitation. This month’s post is offered by Janna Sundby.

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Would you be willing to go white water rafting down the Colorado River?  Would you like to go to Goat Yoga? How about Horse Yoga?  Would you be willing to skydive with me tomorrow? Would you like to sleep outside tonight and watch the earth turn under the stars? How about seeing Garth Brooks? I’m taking an art class. Would you like to join me?  Would you be willing to do a road trip to see the full Solar Eclipse? Would you join me for a drive to Arkansas where we’ll mountain bike for five days?

These are all invitations extended to me by my college friend Anne, and it’s only a partial list. For over 40 years, she has provided endless invitations for me to join her, mostly doing something I’ve never done. I’ve rarely refused, even though some invitations generated great fear. One even left me with a broken leg. Yet, in hindsight I see they made my life much fuller.

Sometimes, after accepting an invitation for something unknown, I’ve noticed anxiety crept in, asking my inner self, what I had gotten myself into? Is this really a good idea? Is this worth the effort? What are you going to gain from this?   

What I’ve learned about an invitation to do something one is unfamiliar with, is that my first instinct, and most natural one, is to say “no, thank you” and remain in the state of “knowingness.”  Knowingness, in this case, is the familiar. It’s seeped in the comfort of not wanting change. When you have been encouraged or “pushed” to do something unknown, I know now for me, that I have become a fuller human being by accepting those invitations. I also found that being adventurous can be both exhausting and exhilarating.  

There are other types of invitations. A little less adventurous, but still filled with the unknown. I was reluctant to be on the UUCM Board, and reluctant to be the VP, and then President, but I accepted the invitation and found it keeps me involved at a special level. It shows a commitment to my values and has deepened my relationships with others who’ve agreed to similar commitments. It seems to me, when I look around, most all of you at UUCM, perhaps somewhat reluctantly, have accepted various invitations to volunteer at the church.  Both new and long-time members. Many have volunteered for years and decades. Your saying “Yes” to these invitations has helped our church and our great staff to operate a functional and thriving community. We invite each other and if there’s a fit, we accept the invitation and see where it leads.  

Today, I want to thank you for accepting those various and sometimes unexpected invitations, knowing there is naturally a bit of reluctance.  I appreciate all the time so many of you invest in UUCM, year after year, and it gives me a sense of pride being a part of this inviting and welcoming community.

In thinking about the gift of invitation, you can always decline, or accept with stipulations. I don’t recommend anyone accept every invitation. As practicing saying “No” is also a valuable exercise. But for me, in looking back over six decades, I’m very happy that I accepted so many of those invitations. They pushed me, drained me, exhilarated me, and brought me wisdom. Thanks to those of you who have extended invitations to me and to those who have accepted mine.  It’s much appreciated.

— Janna Sundby, UUCM Board of Trustees