Each month, a member of the board shares a reflection on the Soul Matters monthly theme. The theme for October is Deep Listening. This month’s post is offered by Emily Rosengren.

I love a backstory. One of my least favorite expressions is, “long story short.” It always leaves me feeling like we’re going to skip over all of the important, hairy details that provide insight into the storyteller and help me learn something new about them. To me, context is everything.

About twelve years into my career, I began to learn how to apply the tools of cognitive coaching to my work with colleagues. Cognitive coaching aims to support people as they do the difficult but important work of thinking about their thinking. A good cognitive coach listens deeply and poses judgment-free, open-ended questions that help another person get their head around a complex problem. A cognitive coach encourages someone to keep talking until they’ve clarified their thinking and become less “stuck.”

As I began to learn some of these skills, I had to extinguish two old listening habits. First–and this was really tough for me–I had to abandon the notion that I needed the context to understand a concern or provide support. A colleague didn’t need me to roll around in the detailed origins of an issue, they needed me to ask particular questions aimed at moving them forward. Investing in the backstory meant less time could be spent analyzing the current situation. Context was simply not important to this kind of work.

Second, I had to confront the normal human tendency toward autobiographical listening. Put simply, autobiographical listening is when we filter what we hear through our own experiences, judgements, and biases instead of setting ourselves aside and listening deeply to the speaker. We do this because we crave relationships and we cultivate the connection that can result from an “Oh my gosh, me, too!” moment. We convince ourselves that by offering our own experience with a similar dilemma that we’re demonstrating empathy. Empathy is a hallmark of respect, afterall, so don’t mind me as I tell you how I overcame a similar problem, like this one time when…(you get the idea). This kind of listening has an agenda, and in many instances, it’s not helpful.

It was during this period of intense learning when a friend shared the poem, When Someone Deeply Listens to You, by John Fox. Here’s an excerpt:

“When someone deeply listens to you

it is like holding out a dented cup

you’ve had since childhood

and watching it fill up with

cold, fresh water.

When it balances on top of the brim,

you are understood.

When it overflows and touches your skin,

you are loved.”

This poem resonated with me because it encapsulated the transformative power of deep listening. It reminded me that the act of listening alone—just listening—communicates love and understanding. It reinforced the idea that by setting aside my need for context and overcoming autobiographical listening, I could better connect with and support my colleagues.

Deep listening is an invitation into a relationship with another human being. It says, “So glad you’re here. Tell me as much or as little as you’d like, and I’ll be right beside you.” This approach has not only enhanced my coaching practice but also enriched my personal relationships, reinforcing the idea that listening deeply is one of the most profound ways we can show love and respect for one another.

— Emily Rosengren, UUCM Board of Trustees